Creative Growth and Healing

Nature

2010-06-29T14:52:00.001-07:00

I have always been inspired by nature, especially in the summer. At this time of year, I find an increased hungering for being outdoors, soaking up the sun and taking in all the beauty. The sights and color palette, the sounds of water running and birds chirping, the intoxicating smells of fragrant flowers... I love it all. It's one of the reasons that I chose this new blog design. The other thing I love about nature, is that it is always growing, renewing, and sometimes dying only to grow again. Nature reminds us of the same cycle in our lives. "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven." (Ecclesiastes 3:1) As humans we are always growing, learning and changing, physically, emotionally, relationally and spiritually. However, there are times that we need for something to die for there to be space for something else to sprout or grow. What season are you in right now? Are you in a season of growth or renewal? or is there anything in your life that you may need to let go of and let die, so that the ground will be fertile for something else to flourish? As you go about your summer, think about the season of life that you are in and what you want to nurture and grow. Blessings..

Enslavement or Freedom

2010-01-18T12:28:00.000-08:00

On this day of celebration of the life and work of Martin Luther King, Jr. and during the National Slavery and Human Trafficking Prevention Month I am taking a moment to ponder about the issues of slavery and freedom. For a few years now I have been burdened by the reality of so many women who are forced into sexual slavery. Often for reasons of poverty, class, gender, race, etc. girls and women are held against their will and forced to perform unthinkable sexual acts. I am so deeply moved by the plight of these women, and the physical abuse and emotional turmoil that they endure. Some organizations that I have followed and supported over the year are fighting this enormous battle. They not only help rescue women out of their imprisonment, but then restore them physically, emotionally and spiritually. These groups are Project Rescue, International Princess Project and Oasis.

Much like the restorative work of these groups, the goal of my therapy work with women is all about helping them to recover from emotional or physical scars and to bring about holistic healing and life change. Most of us have not had to experience the tortures of forced enslavement, but we do have issues in our lives that compromise or sacrifice our emotional freedom. With the power of guilt, shame, regret, jealousy, depression, anxiety, self-criticism, etc. in our lives, we lose the freedom of truly becoming the person that we were created to be. Ask yourself today what might be compromising your freedom in life? Is there anything that weighs you down and "enslaves" you. What you can do today for yourself or to help someone that you know that needs freedom from enslavement? I welcome your thoughts or comments either here or in email.

Life Goals

2010-01-04T21:52:00.000-08:00

At some point after I finished college, I realized that making new year's resolutions was not for me. It was at that time that I decided to instead make a "Life Goals" list. I felt relieved that I would have the rest of my life to accomplish the goals and I could focus on the big ticket ones. Well now, more than 15 years later, I have accomplished many of the goals that I had set out to do. (I still would love to travel to Africa and learn to play the violin if my life permits at some point.) So at the start of this new year, I have been pondering the idea of what would I like to "accomplish" in the coming year or years. I have to admit that if I had to write another "Life Goals" list it would be very different than it was 15 years ago. It would be less of wanting to go places (which is still great) or reach a certain level of success personally or professionally. My list would be of primarily matters of the heart and soul. Like living with less fear, less resentment, and giving up my need for control. My measure of success would be more peace and joy (regardless of my circumstances), forgiving more, and trusting God with all the details of my life. This list, even though shorter and more concise than my last one, will definitely take a life time, and then some to accomplish. That's where grace comes in.

If you were to write a "Life Goals" list what would you like to see less of and what would be your measurement of success? How can you begin to take steps towards making those goals a reality in your life today? Post a comment or send me an email.

Expect the Milk to Spill

2009-11-02T16:25:00.000-08:00

“Expect the milk to spill.” Of late this has been my motto of choice. After cleaning up, literally gallons of spilled milk at the hands of my two preschoolers, I was getting a little fed up with the hands and knees position on the floor. That’s when I made up my mind that if I just expected the milk to spill, then when it happened I wouldn’t be frustrated and disgruntled but would chuckle knowing that it was really inevitable given the circumstances. So after taking this stance for awhile on beverage spillage, I started applying it to other aspects of my life.

The wise grandfather of a friend was known to say, “Expectations are the handmaiden of disappointment.” So many times in life I have been disappointed with life’s circumstances, quality of a relationship, job situation, etc. but usually it has been because my expectations were unrealistic and rooted in my own hopes and desires rather than in reality. In short, I brought the disappointment upon myself. Most of us struggle with some aspect of our lives. We expected or hoped a relationship to go a certain way, to be in a certain place or position, or to be enjoying life more than we are. Then we find ourselves in a place that we never dreamed we’d be in and not only has disappointment set in, but often depression or anger too. Author M. Scott Peck wrote “Life is difficult. Once we know that life is difficult, once we truly understand and accept it, then life is no longer difficult.” I believe this statement to have much truth to it. If we no longer expect life to live up to our expectations, and rather expect that it will have its share of struggles and hardships, then when they come, as they always do, we will not waste precious energy and time wondering why it happened or why us, etc. We will set our faces to the wind and start walking. It’s the same principle as the milk spilling. Once I know and accept that milk will spill, it no longer gets the best of me. I just grab my rag and hit the floor. Amazing what a simple change in thinking can do to our whole outlook on the people and circumstances around us.

All of this is not to say that I am endorsing taking a pessimistic or ‘expect the worst’ mentality about life. Rather, I am saying that when you experience a disappointment, whether it be with work, relationships, motherhood, etc., examine your expectations that preceded it. Were the expectations realistic for the person or situation, or maybe rooted in your own hopes and wishes? Does the same pattern of expectation and let down continue to plague you? If so what can you do to maybe adjust your own expectations? As I often tell my clients, we can’t change another person, but often when we make changes in ourselves then others respond differently to us. I’d love to hear your comments or stories on this topic. Click below to leave one here.

A renewed commitment

2009-10-22T14:19:00.000-07:00

After a long, almost year of absence from my blog writings, I am renewing my commitment for regular postings. I've been writing in my mind throughout the time, but a house move, illness and lots of adjustments has kept me away. However, the time away has been helpful for me to hone in on my intent and purpose for this blog... helpful and inspiring antidotes just for women. I am also hoping to make this a conversation between writer and readers, so please post those comments so that I can know more specifically who my audience is and what your needs are. I look forward to talking more soon!

“Every Day is Experimental”

2009-01-20T13:56:00.000-08:00

Since becoming a mother I’ve developed my own mantra for life: “Every day is experimental.” It started off being a way to see the humorous side of raising toddlers. For example, what experiment will he run today? How many toys can he dump onto the floor and still see the carpet or what will Mommy do if he hits his brother? It has also been a way of gauging my own behavior. How long can I be patient before I lose my temper, or how many nights can I go with interrupted sleep and still be considered “functional”? In my early days of being a mother, if I viewed these new found circumstances to be “experiments” rather than tests or annoyances then I could challenge myself to try and turn out a favorable outcome for my experiment.

Now my mantra has taken more shape and I look at life through this view of the experimental. It helps me to not take fleeting or frivolous circumstances too seriously, as I see they are only an experiment and in time will run their course. It also helps when tackling the larger issues of life, like the long range goal of raising healthy, secure and independent children. What actions and decisions do I need to make now to make the best “conditions” for my experiment? I have paid close attention to the cause and effect of my own behavior on my children. For instance, my children behave better when I am engaged with them physically and emotionally, speak kindly and react with patience and love; as opposed to being stressed, juggling too much or reacting in frustration or anger. Of course there are some circumstances in life that we don’t have control over, but we do have choices in how we respond to the experiments that life hands us.

Now that we’ve started a new year, we can look ahead to all the experiments ahead of us. Mine are deciding what school for Kindergarten, possibly moving homes, balancing work and family, etc. I wonder how all these experiments will go, but I can be grateful for the challenge, do my best with my part and keep reminding myself about what matters most to me. What will your experiments be for the year? Whatever they are may you find peace for the journey and joy along the way.

Taking Care of You (part #2)

2008-11-13T09:43:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since I began the "Taking Care of You" series, and the reason for the delay is that I have been doing just that, taking care of me. The fall often brings the onslaught of new viruses that have remained dormant over the summer months. But alas, they often catch up with us all and sweep through our homes or workplaces with a vengance. One of the most important ways that we can take care of ourselves is to nurture our physical bodies. Without our strength or physical health it is more difficult to deal with the emotional and mental pressures that we usually encounter on a weekly if not daily basis. For those of us that take care of others, it is even that much more important to make sure that we stay physically healthy because the wellbeing of others depends on us.

Since beginning my work at Children's Hospital LA, I have been even more aware of how important physical health is and how grateful I am to have it. I may feel like I'm not in the best shape that I could be in, or fret over a small ailment, but then I come face to face with children who are fighting for their lives. It has helped me to be thankful that I can talk, walk and eat.

What things are you doing in your current life to nurture your physical health and body? Obvious things like eating healthy, exercising, getting enough rest, etc. may initially come to mind. But things like prioritizing seeing a doctor or dentist, taking a bath to relax or spurging for a pedicure or massage may be other ways to show yourself that you are important and that you are worth taking care of. Hope you find time to nurture your body this month and we'll continue our series on "Taking Care of You!"

A Time to Reflect

2008-10-24T07:13:00.000-07:00

Birthdays are always a great time to reflect upon life. Today happens to be mine. I have sometimes been prone to be a "glass half empty" person, but today I can't help but recognize how full my glass really is. In the world of psychology the term "reframe" is when we look at a situation from a different side or angle, or in simple terms it's called perspective. When I only can see my own life, in a vacuum, I can feel unsatisfied or negative. However, when I reframe my own life and experiences in the context of the greater world around me I see a new perspective and am grateful for the abundance of what I do have.

First off, I am blessed to have people in my life who love me. Without them I wouldn't be the person I am today and for them I am grateful. Secondly, in light of recently starting work at Children's Hospital I am grateful for my present health and abilities. I often take this for granted but am reminded even more that in a second it can all be lost. Thirdly, I am grateful for my youth. Even though I turn another year older today, I am not dwelling on my increase of age, but on the years I hopefully still have left. Lastly, in our present world situation, where poverty and unemployment abound, I am truly grateful to be able to not only work, but to do the work that I love. Also, recognizing that my hunger is only fleeting till my next meal is perspective that I have to often remind myself of. All of these things are my gifts this year.

Birthdays are a good time to reframe life and see all the treasures that are already there. Sometimes all it takes is to look a little harder to recognize them, dust them off and put them out for all to see. Thanks for letting me share my treasures with you.

How to Help Children Grieve Life’s Losses

2008-10-01T18:18:00.000-07:00

The first time a balloon string slipped through my son’s hand and floated up into the sky, he sobbed and cried so hard that it hurt my mother’s heart. I comforted him recognizing that he was experiencing one of his first tastes of grief. Something he had loved had slipped through his fingers, away from him, never to return again.

Whether it is a balloon floating away, a lost teddy bear, or the loss of a pet, all are early experiences that children have which form their early impressions of grief and loss. The way that these losses are experienced by them and treated by those around them are important building blocks to help them begin to understand grief and experience the feelings that accompany loss. These early, sometimes seemingly insignificant losses are important so that when a more significant loss occurs, like that of a loved one, they have some experiential footing on which to rely.

Based on their age and developmental level, children understand the loss of a loved one in different ways. Babies to toddlers are not able to understand the permanence of death and may show grief symptoms by crankiness, decreased activity or sleep disturbances. For children 2-6 years of age, death is related to sleep. Children at this stage still do not always understand the permanence of death and might have "magical thinking" about how they may have caused certain circumstances. For children ages 6-9, death is understood as being final and may often be frightening to them. They may show curiosity and ask a lot of questions. When children are about 9 years old they usually understand that people are not immortal like superheroes including themselves. Children grieving at this stage can express a range of emotions including fear and anxiety. Just as children grow, so does their understanding of death and grief, along with their range of emotions.(1)

To help your child healthily deals with losses, whether big or small, it is important to validate their feelings, and offer comfort and support. When grieving a loss, children need to feel heard and know that they are safe. When a loss is something small, like a balloon, avoid trying to console them by replacing the lost object with another one. This will not allow your child to deal with their feelings of loss, and will be a bigger disservice to them when they encounter a larger, permanent loss. Instead help them to find words to communicate how they are feeling and ways to express their feelings in healthy ways. Life can often be painful for our children, but it can also be more manageable when we help equip them with the proper tools to deal with it.

References:
(1) Wass H, Corr CA: Childhood and Death. Washington, DC. Hemisphere Publishing Corp. 1984.

Taking Care of You (part #1)

2008-09-23T14:49:00.000-07:00

Whether you are a working woman, wife, mother or all of the above, taking care of yourself is vital to your own health and well being, but also to those who rely on you. Over the next few weeks I am going to do a five part series on self-care taken from one of my talks that I did last year. So make sure to click back here in the coming weeks to get the full scoop on looking after yourself.

Women in general are givers. They like to support and give to others with their time, talents, money or service. It’s just part of who we are. We work hard to get our work done at the office or at home, we strive to be a good friend, daughter, girlfriend or wife. If we are in the mothering phase of life, we often feel like we are constantly giving out to our children, and have very limited time for ourselves. It is vital for us, no matter what place in life we are to be nurturing ourselves, inside and out. Do you believe this is true?

Most women I talk to do agree that it is important to take care of themselves not only to have a healthy life, but so that they can continue giving of themselves in all the ways they do. However, there are often hindrances that stand in our way of doing the job of self care at all or doing it well. Often times women believe that focusing on themselves is selfish or they feel guilty about it. Sometimes women might have a hard time setting boundaries around their commitments and end up giving all their time or selves away. Or others might criticize the women who do prioritize their own needs. We all need to look at our own lives and assess if we are giving ourselves the amount of time and focus that we need to nourish ourselves in body, mind and spirit. That’s what I’ll be talking about over the next few entries! For today ask yourself these questions: Do I prioritize taking care of myself as much as I need to? Or what hindrances are prohibiting me from caring for myself like I need to?

True Friendship

2008-09-05T21:34:00.000-07:00

There was a definite process by which one made people into friends, and it involved talking to them and listening to them for hours at a time. Author Rebecca West

Do you remember in grade school when it was so easy to make a new friend? By saying the magic words, “Do you want to be my friend” presto, a new friendship was formed. However, in adulthood it seems increasingly harder and harder to find a true friend that shares similar interests, hobbies or values. Acquaintances are often easy to make, but finding friends that will last through the ups and downs of life and withstand the test of time is more difficult.

As women we are often stretched thin over our many responsibilities and finding time to devote to friendships is often limited and therefore very precious. It is important to make sure that we invest in friendships that are worth our time and energy. In my many years of changing or lasting friendships I have noticed three things that often stand out as key ingredients to finding “true friends.”

The first ingredient is an equal level of commitment to the relationship. If one person is working harder than the other all the time, the relationship is likely to become lopsided and will eventually burn out if not addressed. Relationships work best when both parties are comparably invested in the relationship and the pursuit of spending time together. Have you ever been in a relationship when you felt like you were always calling the other person or setting up times to get together, or on the flip side have you felt smothered by someone else’s demand for your time?

The second key ingredient is a mutual openness and vulnerability. This idea goes hand in hand with the first concept. Friendships that last are ones where both people can feel safe sharing with one another, giving and receiving of themselves. Think about some a time when you’ve had a real heart to heart time with a friend. Most likely, both of you were open with each other and shared some of the depths of your hearts. That kind of vulnerability and honest is what draws people together and makes them closer.

The last ingredient to finding a true friend is an acceptance and respect for one another. It’s rare that two people always see eye to eye on all issues and that is why it is so important that friends accept each other for where they are in the their lives, differences in beliefs and choices that they make. A relationship void of mutual respect can never last the test of time.

Friendships are a treasure often hard to find, but worth holding on to once you do. Celebrate one of your true friends today, by saying “Thank you!”

There is no possession more valuable than a good and faithful friend. Socrates

Back to School

2008-08-25T21:13:00.000-07:00

The summer is quickly coming to a close, and if you’ve been out in any stores lately you will have seen the onslaught of “Back to School” supplies and garb. Everything your child needs to be outfitted for school is readily available for purchase. However, is your child ready emotionally for whatever transition lies in front of them?

Whether it is preschool, elementary or college there is always a period of uncertainty or anxiety often mixed with excitement regarding starting a new season. Even if your child is already familiar with the school atmosphere, they are most likely encountering a new classroom, new teachers and new friends. Here are a few ideas of how to help your child deal with whatever new adventures await them this fall, whether it be a new school, new caregiver or teacher, new schedule, etc.

Talk with your child about the changes that are coming up. Ask them questions about how they feel about the change, what they might be looking forward to or be anxious about. If possible, take a visit to the new school, classroom, etc. and have them explore the environment. Remind them every few days that the change is coming up or have a calendar on the fridge for them to keep track of when school starts. Try to include your child in as much of the school preparations as possible. Even if they are preschoolers they can pick out new clothes, a lunch box or a special blanket to bring with them for naptime. Each year before my sons have started preschool, I have taken them on an individual trip to the fabric store to pick out their choice of flannel or fleece to be sewn into a special school naptime blanket. Also helpful for little ones is to have some kind of “transitional object” or something that goes with them from home to school and back. This security will bring comfort when they are feeling low or missing home.

Children often express themselves better through play or art than through words. Using puppets or figures to role play “the first day of school” or “how to make a new friend” will help to give your child confidence for entering those less rehearsed scenarios. If your child is artistically inclined have them draw out their feelings about starting in a new school or class and then discuss the picture with them. Be aware not to comment on or correct their art, but rather see it as their own internal expression. Libraries are often great places to find books on school related topics and can be another way to help your child explore their feelings about a new season.

Last of all, be patient with yourself and your child during the time of transition. Often times it takes a few weeks to a few months for children to adjust to a new environment. Even the brave child that seems to handle the change with no problems may start acting out or having difficulties in other areas. Try to be consistent as possible with their routine and continue to explore with them how they are feeling in the above mentioned ways. If your child persists with ongoing anxiety or behavioral problems for more than a few months consider seeing a counselor to help them work through their feelings. I hope that this fall brings many wonderful new transitions for you and your children!

Playing "Graduation"

2008-07-01T07:47:00.000-07:00

I hope your summer is going well and that you are enjoying spending time with your children. According to the poll taken last month most of you were looking forward to your summer and nobody was counting the days till September. Good to hear!

At the beginning of June I took my three year old son to a graduation with me. I did my best to explain what was happening but he seemed more interested in doodling on the program. However, three weeks later he comes into the kitchen, dressed in a ski hat, robe and scarf from his dress up box and says to me, “this is my graduation outfit.” He then persisted to implore me to play “graduation” with him complete with playing “Pomp and Circumstance” on my couch pillow piano. As I hummed out the tune of the classic graduation song, my two sons marched single file down the aisle and took their seats opposite me. I then stood and gave my graduation address to our invisible audience. I declared all the accomplishments that each boy had achieved over the past year. For my older son it was completing his first year of preschool, learning to use the potty, drawing figures, writing letters, etc. For my younger son (22 months) it was learning to walk, feeding himself, running, climbing out of his crib, taking off his diaper, etc. I then congratulated each boy and handed them a diploma. Each of them then took a turn dazzling our audience with their individual talents; an original song by my oldest and my youngest repeating a list of his favorite words (mommy, daddy, bike, all done). It was the most fun I have had in awhile.

As I played “graduation” I was amazed by all the changes we had encountered and endured over the past year. As someone that’s never been a big fan of change, I was also proud of myself and how I had learned to adapt through so many life stages, and in such a short amount of time. For our family, I plan to establish “playing graduation” as a new yearly custom that we do to recognize our children’s achievements, accomplishments and milestones. Maybe some years we’ll invite the grandparents or other treasured friends, or print up “real diplomas” on the computer. Maybe I’ll even include a graduation tribute for myself or my husband to acknowledge our milestones over the past year. Whatever it is I want my kids to know how special and loved they are and that what happens in their lives, big and small, matters.

Take a moment to post a comment about a way that you have marked the special milestones or life accomplishments of your children.

The Makings of a Memorable Summer

2008-06-02T14:03:00.000-07:00

We all gravitate towards some kind of rhythm or routine from September to May. Then June comes and all the regular habits go out the window. We kick off our shoes, run through the grass and enjoy the extra hours of daylight. Some of us moms may be looking forward to this summer and all the spontaneity and change of pace that it brings. However, some of us may be looking at the next three months and wondering how we are going to be the cruise director for demanding kids all summer long. Let me share a few suggestions for all moms before we jump headlong into the adventure of this summer.

First, try mixing up your typical habits. If you’re typically a planner, then take a few days to be spontaneous and unscheduled. Take a walk with your kids without focusing on the destination and revel in the time spent examining each bug or flower. If you’re already a natural at taking life as it comes, then try to plan ahead for a few events. Plan a beach day or better yet, get going now to sign your kids up for a day camp or swimming lessons. Don’t be caught disappointed and left out of the fun activities because you didn’t prepare.

Second, focus your energy on making simple special summer memories together. Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in the details or frustrations of the day to day minutia that we miss the bigger opportunity to really enjoy being together with our kids. Often times it is the little things that make an impact on children, rather than the big ones. Have a picnic dinner in the backyard and play ring toss or other fun lawn games; or you can research some new places in your area that you’d like to go to and plan some fun day trips. Just a change of scenery can help you feel renewed and inspired, and can create great memories to reflect back on in the fall.

Thirdly, two is better than one. Team up with other moms with kids to rotate hosting craft activities, play dates or book reading parties. Going on outing adventures with others give you someone to share the fun with, along with a back-up set of eyes and shared snacks. Plus kids love being together and it helps them to build friendships while making memories.

Lastly, don’t forget to take care of yourself over the next few months. The summer is a great time to do some of those things that you don’t get around to the rest of the year. Sign up for an art or cooking class, or read that book you’ve had your eye on. Nurturing your own body, emotions, mind and spirit will in turn create more personal energy and enthusiasm to share with your children. Just as you plan some events for your children, make sure to schedule the time to just focus on your needs. Remember that investing in yourself is an investment in your family, because a healthy mom creates a healthy home.

Wishing you a great start to your summer months and I’ll catch up with you in July.

The Groundwork Doesn't Show Till One Day....

2008-05-01T14:23:00.000-07:00

It’s not too late to plant a summer garden; literally and figuratively! Over the past few years I have been planting a vegetable garden of tomatoes, peppers, zucchini, cucumbers, basil, etc. Each year I manage to get my garden in just a little bit earlier in the season, thus having a longer time to harvest those delicious vine-ripened cherry tomatoes or prize winning zucchinis. I’m not a great gardener. In fact, my style is more “prepare, plant, and forget it!” However, sometimes all it takes is some good prep work and some rich soil and the rest is up to nature.

Planting a vegetable garden is not unlike the job of mothering. We spend much of our time, cultivating the soil, planting seeds, watering, fertilizing, waiting and watching for growth. Sometimes the wait is long and may feel painful. We feel our seeds of lessons and character traits haven’t taken root in our children and we think we have failed. Then all of a sudden, one day, there appears a little seedling rising above the surface! Hurray! Mothering, as with gardening, takes a lot of patience. Many of the seeds we are planting right now may not germinate for months or even years to come. Don’t lose faith. Just as the gardener prepares the soil, the mother’s job is to prepare her children’s minds and hearts, planting seeds of character and truth. However, much is left to the individual child and God’s work in their life to bring it all to harvest. Some mothers may feel like if they mess up or lose their temper then all has been lost. Not so. It just means that there may be some extra weeding to do in their life and another opportunity to say we are sorry to our children; teaching them the blessings of forgiveness and mercy! So, start today by tilling the ground, planting seeds, and then look forward to enjoying a wonderful garden with your children in the coming months and years.

What's in a name?

2008-04-23T21:15:00.000-07:00

I was born a creative person. It is woven into me. I love to sew, cook, make books, jewelry, pottery, etc. I seek out anything that is a creative expression of who I am and what I am experiencing. This is what drew me into the field of Marriage and Family Art Therapy. I found a way to combine my desire to help others and my love for and belief in, creating. That is why I have chosen to name this blog site, Creative Growth and Healing. We all have things in our lives that we need help with or healing from. That is the beauty of a therapeutic relationship. Growth and Healing comes out of having someone to guide us and support us through some of the most challenging times in our lives. The Creative part is using our own creative abilities, and often art making, to help us to better express ourselves when words often fail. So many times, I have witnessed the power of creative expression to help someone come to a deeper awareness of themselves, express their feelings more openly or aid in healing a past wound. I truly believe that we all are born to be creative in some way. May you find your way of expressing yourself creatively and may it bring growth and healing to your life as well.